as it turns out, I don't need to deal with a monstrosity in my kitchen to have a safer, less-expensive apartment. TONS in midtown right now. A line just went through the 21st street place I looked at yesterday. NEXT!

I just went to check out an apartment. There isn't a question that it isn't as nice as the one we're in now, BUT it is $300 less. It comes with a garage! Big bonus. It's on a very nice, safe block. Huge Bonus!!! The living room and dining room are about the size of our current apartment; the other living room might be a tad bigger. Nice! Gas stove. HUGE PLUS!! Washer and Dryer. HUGE HUGE PLUS!

The downsides: The kitchen sucks for counter space. The bedroom is TINY.

The most aesthetically unpleasing downside: The hot water heater is in the kitchen. Like, really in the kitchen. Right next to the stove. This bothers me because it's seriously ugly. UGLY.

I'm going to take Justin over to see it this week. I didn't get to take much time to really look, so I'll pay more attention next time.

I think I can forgive an ugly kitchen for $300 less and a safer apartment. I don't know though.

Happy Birthday, Kemp!!! I hope you had a FABULOUS day!!!

We're considering making a HUGE change. We're ready to move. We've been ready to move, especially me. I don't feel safe in our appartment, our landlord is a douche bag and the incovieniences in our appartment just get more and more annoying. So, here is what were thinking: One bedroom apartment. We can get a nice onebedroom in midtown for less than $800. We wont be nearly as comfortable spacially, but the savings every month would make a HUGE difference in our finances. A smaller place with lower rent would rapidly speed up paying off our debt. It would also give us some breathing room in case the car breaks or I wrack up another $1000 in medical/dental expenses. =p All in all, if we can handle living without and office, which we think we can, life will be a whole lot more comfortable and we'll be moving closer to the life we're aiming for at a much faster rate. I've already got a call in to look at a place in an excellent location. We'll see how that pans out.

Cross your fingers for us. This could be a really, really good thing.

My landlord is a dick. That is all.

I'm feeling pretty proud of myself right now. I went to pilates and got my butt kicked then spent the last two hours between Safeway and Trader Joe's grocery shopping. Before I left the house I assessed our "left-over" situation and was able to plan meals through Wednesday that are based around them. I made a list (which always works well but I don't often do) and I stuck to it, deviating away slightly, but only by purchasing some spices for the chicken I bought. Long story short, groceries to last us through the week set us back $55 and we will NOT be throwing away left overs this week.

I'm pretty stoked about this. Justin and I are rock stars when it comes to eating healthy and eating the right foods, but no so much when it comes to budgeting for and getting the most out of those foods. The amount of food we throw away disgusts me sometimes and the amount we spend on the food we throw away is embarrassing. I know I've posted about this before, and we have gotten better, but not good enough. I feel like we're on our way though.

I think I feel so good about this because I feel like if I get the spending under control is this category, cutting back in other areas will be a lot easier too. It will be such a load off to get some of these bills taken care of. One step at a time...

It is not my place to openly discuss some of the unfortunate and tragic circumstances that have unfolded this weekend, so I will not go into detail.

I am sad. I have some very close friends and personal acquaintances right now that are devastated and heartbroken. There is nothing I can do to ease their pain. Nothing. They know I'm here, but that's all I have to offer in these situations.

Best words to describe this weekend, bad and terrible.

When terrible things happen to terrible people it's very easy to chalk it up to karma. But when terrible things happen to good, kind, positive people, there is no easy quip to make it better, to lessen the blow.

I'm not okay, but I'm only feeling a fraction of what some of my loved ones are feelings. I can't even imagine.

I'll leave everyone with a quote from a beautiful person that I have been fortunate to know:

Live big and love bigger.

I decided a month ago to see how I would do working four days a week again and my back seems to be holding up pretty well, so I'm thinking I'll stick to this schedule as often as possible.

Part of the reason I accepted a part-time position was because I was in a sort of limbo with myself. I was definitely head-long into my quarter-life-crisis and I planned on using my extra free time to do some soul searching and really work on me. In the past year that I've been working full-time I have had the time and flexibility with my schedule to deal with my back, and have done a lot of that soul searching, but I still feel like a lot of my 'extra' time went wasted.

I've resolved to keep my Friday's as "Essential Amy Days." My only set plan for Friday's is going to be GRE prep. I'm going to allot a couple hours each Friday to flash cards, study-guide work and practice tests. Other than that, I'm going to wake up and decide from there what to do with my day. If I feel like hitting the gym, I will. If I feel like plugging in my iPod and cleaning like a mad woman, I will. If I decide to go to town with the budget and review the finances I will. Point being, I'm going to spend my Fridays focused on doing what my brain says I need to be doing and moving myself in a forward direction in all areas. I'm going try as best I can to book my therapy and chiro appointments on Fridays as well.

Fridays are going to be my day of progression and healing, inside and out. They are going to be spent doing whatever it is that I need to do to improve my life personally, professionally and physically.

I'm really looking forward to my new Essential Amy Day. I think it's going to make a big difference in my life. Something isn't right with me right now. I don't know what it is, but it's been slowly bubbling up for a while now, and every day it gets a little closer to the surface. I'm hoping my EAD will help me identify it and fix. I think it will.

I make it a point to try and be there as much as I can for the people of love, I'm making the choice to include me on that list.

I may or may not have shared this story here before. Michael Jackson had a hand in my changing my life. I'm not being a super-fan saying "OMG. His music CHANGED MY LIFE!" and swooning over the guy. But, he really did change my life, or at least Man in the Mirror did.

Music has a profound affect on my family. Certain songs can bring any one of us to tears because if something resonates, we feel it to the depths of our soul. That being said, here's the story.

When my dad was at his worst (hitting my mom, drinking and spun all the time) he was driving and heard Man in the Mirror on the radio. He cracked. He broke down and realized that life didn't have the be the way it was for us. That he could "make the change" and give all of us a better life. It was up to him. If he wanted to things to change, it had to start with him. And he did.

Maybe my dad was on his way to changing anyway. Maybe that one song playing in that one moment was what it took to make him "look at the man in the mirror." I guess we'll never know, but we've always been perfectly content giving Michael Jackson the credit for inspiring my Dad's decision to "make a change."

Thank you, Michael Jackson. May you enter into an eternal Neverland.

I need to run away for a day or two. Maybe a single day would be enough, but I feel like hiding. It's kind of interesting because I've always been, as Mrs. Ford would call me, a "social butterfly." The Amy I know needs to have every day booked. There needs to be plans for after work every night and the weekends should include at least one date night and some time with our family and friends. The Amy I am familiar with needs to be busy and surrounded by people ALL.THE.TIME.

I don't know what's changed in me, and I can't decide if it's a good thing, a bad thing or just a different thing, but I am now requiring some "Essential Amy Time." I have had something to do every single night, without exaggeration, for AT LEAST the last two weeks. House hunting seems to be filling in the gaps between trips to the gym and family gatherings. I'm getting worn out. I need some time to re-charge.

I think therapy might have something to do with this too. It seems like lately I'm thinking about a lot of really deep issues and that in itself is exhausting. Add that to a jam-packed schedule and I'm slowly fizzling out.

I'm not sure what to do here. With the state of the market, if we see a house listed that we might be interested in, we have to jump on it or it will slip away. That seems contradictory to what we're hearing about on the news, but this is truly a buyers market, especially for investors. Houses are from "Active" to "Pending" in a matter of days with multiple bids. People are paying CASH for homes right now. This seems like a bit of a digression, but the point is that I can't even feel comfortable saying "Wednesday night is Amy night!" because there is a good chance we'll be looking at houses Wednesday night.

That is another issue I'm struggling with; Am I really, truly comfortable with being a homeowner right now? Do I really, honestly feel like this is a good decision? Part of me says "yes" the other "no." That needs to be reconciled with a quickness. I don't want to waste anyone's time, and being that our Realtor is also a friend, I don't want to keep wasting his if we're not going to go through with this.

Ugh. I need a mental health day.

How is it possible for one to miss a $457 deposit!?!?! I've been waiting since March for a tax return that we got and didn't even notice we got it! >< We're not rich; we're not even "well-off." We have money issues people!!! I guess I just answered my own question. GET IT TOGETHER LEWIS FAMILY!!! UGHGH!!!!

I spent the weekend working on me. Justin and I had a really nice date night Friday night, Saturday was spent doing administrative stuff around the house and hanging with the Lewis parents and today was spent doing more administrative stuff and hanging with my parents. Last night and today I made just for me. I spent hours and hours last night catching myself up on True Blood. This morning I went to a "Pilates Fusion" class and watched two episodes of True Blood. It's been very peaceful. My head is finally quiet again. No more over-analyzing. No more "what if?" I just feel really peaceful. I know I used the same word twice, but I can't think of one more appropriate at the moment.

My week is booked solid, but I think I'll be okay with that. I need to get to a Spin class at least once and I'll be doing bunches of fun stuff, after work most days. My cousin Nicole is coming to town and I haven't seen her in close to 15 years. We'll be spending Friday night together and I'm totally stoked. She found me on Myspace and we've chatted a lot since then, comparing family stories and sharing family mysteries. We're even having dinner with my parents at a place my Great Great Grandpa Chadaris used to own in Marysville called "The Silver Dollar Saloon." After that, I think we'll end up getting in some "girl talk" and just going where the night takes us. It'll be really nice to just get to spend time together.

So for now, I'm okay. I'll be seeing a therapist every two weeks for a while until I feel like I'm better equipped to deal with drama. I'm not even afraid of it any more. It is what it is. I can pretend it's no big deal and move on, or I can face it head on and learn how to overcome it. I was raised to be a fighter. I'm going for glory.

Tonight is date night. Last week's date night was beat down, so I'm crossing my fingers that tonight Justin and I will be able to enjoy a nice picnic dinner and Star Trek at the Drive-Ins. Here's to hoping!

I feel better after talking with G today. I'll be seeing him twice a month, I think. He gave me a couple suggestions that I'm seriously considering. I'm in for a rough road ahead, but I've been preparing myself for a while. I've been telling myself for years that those things that make us uncomfortable are usually the most important things we'll ever do. I think my subconscious was preparing me for this. I'm about to get VERY uncomfortable, but I believe it's going to be worth every second of the heart ache.

So, I'm still trying to shake the nastiness that's had a grip on me since about 7:45pm Friday night. I guess I should say more like 6:30am Saturday morning. I think that's when it really hit me how much I was affected by my "family emergency" Friday night. Ever since then I've been fighting a black hole. I spent all weekend completely drained and it hasn't really gotten any better. I thought today was going to be better, but then my dad called me at work with blood pressure through the roof and needed me to go pick up his medication because, oh hey, he suddenly has a random pain in his GOOD foot and can't really walk. I think a little of my brain oozed out through my ears at that. I found myself right back at the uber-stressed-out place it spent most of the week.

I have an appointment tomorrow to speak with someone I have a great respect for and I totally trust. The interesting thing is that, normally I don't have a problem talking to people about my effed up past, but I'm really nervous about talking to G about it. I KNOW he wont judge me, and I really believe that he will help me untie myself and figure out my next steps, but for some reason, this is really embarrassing for me. Actually, as I write this, I guess I just figured myself out. I'm not *normally* embarrassed to talk about my past, but this is my present, and to be living this RIGHT NOW, yeah, it's pretty effing embarrassing. I guess I'm okay with saying "this is who we were, but my parents were strong, they changed, and they aren't those people any more." But saying "they weren't those people for 17 years, and in an instant, they were again" just makes me feel like white trash. Yes. That's the problem.

I hope that speaking with G tomorrow will help me find some peace and figure out how to deal with my family. If nothing else, I know the session will help me find the path to getting there. 3:00pm Thursday can't come fast enough.

I am at a loss. My family is in turmoil. My dad is not okay. My mom is not okay. Unless they get help soon, what is already an ugly situation will surely turn into something I can't find a word for. It can't be my full-time job to worry about the stability and happiness of my parents. I can't be up until 2am recovering from their drama, only to wake up at 6:30am sick because it's consuming me.

I don't know what do here. This is my family. I wont turn my back on them. I wont leave them to destroy each other. But, what the hell am I supposed to correct 30 years of poor communication, misplaced assumptions and a past that continually resurfaces and haunts them?

I don't think this should be my job. I don't WANT this job. I don't want to spend my adult life making sure my parents aren't killing each other or worrying if they will ever truly know what it means to be happy, as a couple or individuals. I put in my time as mediator, therapist and referee by the time I was ten. I don't need that now.

This is my reality. I can't walk away. I can't pretend it's not my issue. We're family; their issue is my issue. I just have to figure out how to help without hurting myself. If I can't come away with my sanity, I'm of no use to anyone.

I don't want any advice right now. Maybe there are words of wisdom that will help me, but right now, I feel like I need to look inside and figure this out on my own. If you want to help me, let me come to you with this. If you're reading this, chances are I love you and I know you'll help me when I ask. I'm just really hoping I wont have to.

This weekend has been long, long, LONG. Mrs. Ford graduated Friday, and since I was her "Graduation Maid of Honor" I had loads to do Wednesday-Friday night. It was amazing, really. Rachel graduated this weekend too and Saturday was spent celebrating her. I'm so proud of you, ladies!!!

Yesterday was spent shopping with my mom and then driving around looking at neighborhoods to see where in South Sac we'd be comfortable living. We were going to hit the Drive-Ins but by the time we got there the line was LONG, so we headed back home. This morning we lounged around 'til noon and then hit the 1:00p showing of Wolverine. Let me just say, Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds are freaking BUILT. OMG. I can't imagine any woman not liking that movie. Watch it with the sound down if you must, that flick is freaking HOT.

I've spent the rest of the after noon fighting serious fatigue. I'd bet money that the combination of poor diet, dehydration and constant go-go-go of the last four days has taken me down. I'm planning on spending the rest of the evening alternating between reading and laundry.

I'm ready to get back to reality. I'm actually looking forward to my six meals of healthy food tomorrow. I cannot WAIT to get back to the gym. I'm seriously starving for my routine. It might sound crazy, but I function the best when my routine is consistent, and it's been blown out of the water for well over a month now. I'm done with that. Bring on the normalcy!

I wish I could say that today was better than yesterday, but I was not. I was busier, the good kind. We got up early to have breakfast at IHOP with the Lewis family and then had a picnic lunch at my family's property on the river for the Chadaris side. I was really nice being outside and enjoying the day, but even that couldn't shake these intense BLAHS. I'm ready to feel like myself again. I'm ready to feel good again. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until my body decides to take some mercy on me. Unfortunately, that's not exactly and option.

My house is a disaster and I'm too blah to even feel embarrassed about admitting that it's really, REALLY bad right now. I don't have the energy or frame of mind to deal with it. I wish I did, but I just don't. Luckily JD just got home from a soccer game and his endorphins having him high as a kite, so he's going to attack the 5+ loads on laundry that are on our bed right now. Yes, I am a lucky woman.

I need to eat something, so I think the remainder of the evening is going to consist of me getting a snack and then turning the lights off and Paranormal State on. I don't even really have the energy to read right now, so my last option is vegetation until sleep. Oh. Sweet. Sleep.

I have the WORST case of the Blahs right now. My body hates me, which is partly my fault, but also because Mother Nature can be a giant biotch. Two weeks of PMS? Really? Because I TOTALLY deserve that,right?! Guh. What a bitch. I've also been eating like crap since my birthday, so about two weeks. We're bbqing tomorrow for Mother's Day, so I've decided to just right off the rest of the weekend and get back into my groove first thing Monday. I've still been great with breakfast and lunches during the week, but dinners have been high fat/high calorie and weekends have been totally blow. This isn't good for my mental state, obviously, but it also isn't good for my stomach either. I have a very delicate ecosystem as many of you know, so when I veer away from my fine-tuned habits, my whole body goes to hell in a hand basket. The amount of sugar I've consumed alone probably quadruples what I'd normally take in. Add birthdays to PMS and it's like a perfect storm of sugary indulgence for me. I'm paying for it now though. Oh, I am paying dearly.


So here I sit, it's Saturday night (Second Saturday even) and I'm on the couch with really no intention of moving. I was going to go out with Rachel, but it just didn't come together. I probably wouldn't have been much fun today anyway. On a happier note, we have been working out more and I am getting stronger. I was able to up my weight on a couple different machines and I haven't thrown my back out. That is HUGE. I guess I do have something to interrupt my moaning and groaning.

Anyway, I'm going to throw myself back into The Host and get that finished tonight. Then I'll be tackling the laundry and moving on to the next book. Yep. Party. Animal.

Here is a link to Dennis' pics from the party last night. Thanks, Dennis for getting these up so quickly!! I'll post some of my own later when my computer isn't freaking out.

http://picasaweb.google.com/dennis.hennessy/AmyS28thBirthday?feat=directlink#